As a parent, what's your opinion of these rules?
My sister’s best friend (who is like a sister to me) will be caring for my daughter while I’m away at college (NO I’m NOT "dumping the kid off with relatives"… she ASKED me if she could care for her, and my college does not allow children in the dorms, which all first year students are required to live in.) So I drew up this list of "rules" about my daughter (really just how we run our household as it stands… kind of like the little notebook the people on Wife Swap get when they first arrive.) Copy pasted from the actual e-mail, this is how it reads:
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1. Only one special treat a day (this includes all junk food and drinks). Only if she’s hungry, only if she asks for it specifically, and only if she’s already eaten a fruit and vegetable that day. NO white bread, NO foods or drinks (except her "special treat, as outlined above) that contain high-fructose corn syrup, and NO margarine.
2. Only one half-hour program per day of television, one full-length movie per week max. (preferably most of this educational and/or Muzzy. NO Spanish or inappropriate content, and try to find as many European and/or French-speaking children’s shows as possible. Also, her favourite shows are Big, Big World and Bindi the Jungle Girl, so if you could try to find others like it, of an environmental nature.)
3. No meat or dairy whatsoever, except 1 serving organic dairy per day if she’s congested (as a homeopathic remedy).
4. Animals are treated as equal family members, not "the family…and the dog." For example, if the dog barks, instead of, "Shut up you stupid dog.", it should be a two-language conversation. "Oh, look, the doggy’s saying hi." or "Kettles, who’s out there?"
5. Appreciating and learning about nature is ENCOURAGED at EVERY opportunity. Birds and trees and fish still "speak", we just don’t understand their language. This is to be respected. Take her for a nature walk every morning. This also includes heavily fostering reduce/reuse/recycle habits.
6. I’ve never personally seen you do this, and I don’t believe you would, but just as an inclusion…. if she starts to stutter…dell tells her, and allows other people to tell her, "Come on, spit it out."…but that does not allow her brain to fit the puzzle pieces together properly. Allow her as many tries as she needs, without interruption, to complete a sentence. If she starts to get distracted because she’s discouraged, repeat back to what she had so far. Encourage other people to do the same.
7. Another thing I’ve never personally seen you do, and don’t believe you ever would, but just as an inclusion… many many *many* people squelch a childs "inside memory". This includes "Mommy, I decided the sky is purple."…"No Tommy, it’s blue." at the most basic level, but…remember this. Faerie tales don’t tell children that dragons exist. Children already know that dragons exist. Faerie tales tell children that dragons can be killed. So, if she says something about faeries or dragons or some other "imaginary" thing…let her keep it. Don’t take the "real" out of it for her. Please?
8. No forced naps or naptime! Resting in bed by 9pm, but if not tired, allow a book by lamplight until sleepy. If sleepy before 9pm, of course, allow bedtime earlier.
9. No forced meal times or amounts. Give her fruits and vegetables first. She will eat whenever she is hungry, and if that means she’s not hungry when meals are made, she may sit at the table or be excused, but does not have to eat. Do not ask her if she is hungry, do not tell her when to eat or that her "plate is made", and do not offer food to her……wait until she asks you for food (even if it seems like she’s gone "too long" without eating. She knows when her tummy is or isn’t hungry). And NO food in front of the tv!
10. Home-Schooled (Unschooled), Waldorf, or Montessori ONLY. NO traditional public school.
11. No artificial fabrics. Cotton/Wool/Denim/Hemp/etc only.
12. Allow her to pick which clothes she wears for the day. A fun thing we do is, each day of the week corresponds with a few colours, and she picks clothes based on that. I can give you the chart if you want to use it with her.
13. Read at least one book *with* her and *tell* her at least one new story per day. Books are VERY important, and so too is the art of storytelling. I’d love for her to learn to love both.
14. She does not know the definition of truth vs lie. Please don’t introduce her to those words (they turn into angry concepts). For instance, instead of, "are you telling me the truth or are you lying?" it’s, "Is that a real story or a fake story?" (but only if you suspect a lie. Tr
Trust her!)
15. NO character, trademark, Copyright, Registered, etc possessions. Tinkerbell is faerie. Mickey is mouse-mouse. Elmo is monster. (So she does not associate name with brand and say, "I want that" just because she sees her ‘friend’.) NO Dora, Spongebob, etc.
16. No electronic "blinking-beeping-walking-talking-batter… sort of toys. She can play with jacks, yo-yo’s, marbles, pick-up-stix, twister, cards, hula hoops, jump ropes, lincoln logs, dolls, bike, skates, puzzles, etc etc etc….just nothing electronic or battery operated.
17. At least one hour per day outdoor physical activity.
18. Tell her, "that was good." or "that was bad." NOT "good girl" or "bad girl". There’s no such thing as a good girl or bad girl, only doing good things or doing bad things.
19. Allow her to write/draw with whichever hand is more comfortable, but heavily encourage writing with the other hand as well. (For practical reasons, as well as "opening up" that centre of the brain for active use)
20. Any and all bath, soap, hygiene, and cleaning products used on or for her (shampoo, conditioner, clothes soap, etc.) can NOT contain sulfates, phosphates, pthalates, parabens, and/or aluminum.
21. Her hair is to be combed, NOT brushed…and without product of any kind (except water in a spray bottle). Her hair is never to be cut unless something happens to it which renders a haircut necessary, and I am notified/consulted with prior.
22. She is a Princess, and is to be reminded of such daily. This does not mean "letting her get away with whatever". It means building her self-esteem. (i.e. "…and you are a Princess, so you know what is best in your heart." and, "I will always teach you if you need me to, because Princesses love to learn.")
23. One thing we do, when she washes her hands, is that she puts the water in her hair and tells herself "I’m so pretty" in the mirror. Please continue this. It fosters positive self-image.
24. If you decide not to attend a church regularly, do NOT discuss a Christian and/or denominational ‘God’ with or around her. If you do decide to attend a church regularly, do NOT allow her to believe she will be punished in some way if she chooses to believe differently. She should not be taught "right" from "wrong" apart from the Universal rights and wrongs that most religions accept. You are entitled to your beliefs, whichever that may be, but I’d like for her to make her own coherent un-influenced decision. Also, I understand that you may not hold my same beliefs in religion and you may not agree with what I do, and that is just fine. But please understand that my beliefs are what they are, and I really don’t want or need her seeing Momma as "wicked"…so keep her away from any and all, as much as possible, things that portray witches as evil green-nosed hags with bubbly brew and broomsticks. You know that image is not true…because you know me. C=. If it happens accidentally,
please explain to her that it’s just a story, not real.
25. Santa Claus, Tooth Fairy, and Easter Bunny are not real. She knows this. Please keep it that way.
26. Sometimes she forgets to brush her front teeth. The way we remember this is to tell her, "brush your smile."
27. Keep her shoes off at all safe and temperate times.
28. I know you may have no interest in learning the entire language, but if you pick up on things from her Muzzy tapes, and she says something to you in French, please respond back to her to the best of your knowledge in French. (For example… If she says, "S’il tu plait" for "Please", you say "D’Accord" for "Ok". Or if she says "Merci" for "Thank You", you say, "De Rien" for "You’re Welcome".)
29. She is to be expected to follow Princess manners at all times. This does not mean stuck up or whiny, but rather, composed. If she cries, no "Aww" unless it’s a tummy-ache or something of the sort, and no "Stop crying, it’s not that bad." Instead, tell her,
"Take a deep breath, calm down, and say it to me in gentle words." If she gets grabby or selfish about something, she is told, "Uh Oh. Please act like a Princess. You know what to do." (and be aware that if you take something from her or someone else without asking, she may tell you, "That is not Princess. You know what to do." =P) If she gets mouthy, screams, throws, hits, or kicks, she is given one "Princess" warning per incident (as stated above), and if she does not correct her behaviour, she is placed on restriction, not time-out, for the remainder of the day. No privileges until the next morning. If she does not want to do something, we say, "that’s alright, you don’t have to want to do it, you just have to do it." If she does not know a person as family or close friend, she is not allowed to hug them or allow them to pick her up. This teaches her to respect her own personal space and expect it to be respected. If someone approaches her (not a stranger of course, lol) who is not
close family or close friend, she is to offer her hand. As a safety precaution, whenever she’s in a car with someone and gets out before the driver, make sure she knows every time to leave her door open until the driver gets out. If you hear her making a "You are…." statement, remind her that it’s most appropriate to say, "I think…." instead.
30. If she is sick, anything mild enough that does not require a trip to the Emergency Room is to be treated naturally. A daily kids multivitamin, tea, and naps. If medicine is required, please either look up the natural version and dosage, or call me and I will find out for you. NO processed medicines.
31. Do…NOT…*ever*…allow her to talk "gangster" or "ghetto". If you catch her speaking this way, have her repeat it back to you or whoever it was directed to cleanly and clearly.
32. If you are ever angry at her or around her, no yelling, screaming, or shouting! If you are angry at her, speak in gentle words, explaining more than
reprimanding. If you must get loud when angry, please keep it behind closed doors.
33. If her teeth require further care than cleanings and/or checkups, NO silver or amalgam! White caps and ceramic or ionomer fillings only.
34.I am to be notified of and able to participate in any and all medical decisions.
35. When the time comes for her to be returned to me, there is NOT to be any sort of struggle/hassle involved. Beginning either when I marry or when I am in the proper position to care for a child, she will return to me for a few interspersed months out of the year, for two or three years, and then periodically be asked where she would like to live until she chooses with me (if this means immediately, so be it. If this means never, so be it. But it is to be HER un-influenced decision.)
Again, this is how I would raise her myself if she were living with me. I cannot tell you what or how to run your household, but please try to accommodate most if not all of these.
I will also print this if you’d like, so a copy is always available. C= If any of this sounds pompous, it’s not intended to be…just realise she is my Princess, perfect in every way, and I want to make sure she stays that way. I know you’re not my mom in any way, but it’s hard to let go. Also, I am more grateful than you will ever know that you chose to care for her. It means the world to me. I know this is a lot, and I know you know half of these already, but I like to be comprehensive, so if it’s something you already know, just consider it an indication that we’re on the same page. Love You!!!!!! SO much!!!!!!
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As a parent, what is your opinion of these rules (ASIDE from the fact of "Omg that was soooo long."?
Really, "Hope", I make you sick? How about the bastard that raped me. Does he make you sick too? Tell me again how being sexually attacked equals choosing to get pregnant, cos I must have missed that part….
Tagged with: doggy • dorms • drinks • e mail • environmental nature • family members • fructose corn syrup • fruit and vegetable • full length • half hour • high fructose corn • high fructose corn syrup • homeopathic remedy • inappropriate content • jungle girl • junk food • kettles • margarine • organic dairy • white bread
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If you want to have that level of control you need to be raising her yourself. It all comes down to your last two lines… you can’t tell her how to run her household. A *few* reasonable restrictions on how you would like your child raised is one thing… but detailed lists on how to deal with nearly three dozen topics is not reasonable.
The only way to even *dream* of having that much say is to give up the school of your dreams (or kick a fuss and get an exception to live off campus as others have suggested) and *have* her living with you. You can have one or the other… not both.
Even on wifeswap they are expected to live by ‘the family’s’ rules for *one week* you are giving her your child to raise for at least a year. That means she gets to make most of the rules. Sorry.
ETA: I’m very curious… what was her reaction to this list? Or have you not yet sent it? If you haven’t… I strongly recommend you *don’t* until you have trimmed it *dramatically*.
I don’t know her… but I know I would be *highly* insulted if I offered to help someone with their child over the course of *years* and they didn’t trust me enough to *not* try and control every action I took and every word that came out of my mouth during those years. I honestly can’t imagine anyone *not* being insulted by a list like this…. even if they agreed with most of what was on it.
D*MN that was a long question…
Too much wordage with too many rules. Confusing.
Are you kidding?
I couldn’t get past the part of you leaving your daughter with a friend while you go away to college. I’ve never heard of such a thing. That’s just awful, irresponsible, and dispicable.
You messed up and got knocked up as a teen, you deal with it and face the consequences. You DON’T go away to college like a typical teen. You’re NOT a typical teen anymore, you’re a MOTHER. You make me sick.
Edit: Raped or not, you choose motherhood, as opposed to adoption, or even abortion. You don’t go passing it off now. You’re a mother. What you’re doing (if true) will traumatize your daughter severely. You’re sick.
You should probably get an waiver from the college concerning your living arrangements. All colleges are required to do so BY LAW. Even first year students can live off campus for certain reasons, one being having children. This is the law, don’t dispute it.
Most of the rules are fine – strange but fine. Except the schooling thing. You really can’t expect someone else to homeschool your child.
Expect some of these rules to be broken occasionally.
I’m sorry – what university are you attending where you HAVE to stay in a dorm for your first year without exception ? As far as I know, if you can live at home they make an exception for you and you just need to fill out a form. And I also know that a college would make an exception for a mother.
Therefore, I think you’re truly full of it. That – or you’re looking for a year of partying while dumping your child on someone else.
Wow. Your diet with her and her TV restrictions are very strict. But I think I see why. Montessori/Waldorf . I went to a Montessori when I was a kid and you sound like a parent that would send their kid there. Personally I hated my time there, it wasn’t a good fit for me, but my sister loved it. So whatever floats your boat. You seem a little controlling though. It sounds as though she is little and young. You should let her figure these things out on their own. (Like a myth I learned while at Montessori: the baby will eventually find out that fire is not to be touched and played with.)
Otherwise they are good. Just remember you might be overcompensating a little bit. Im sure your sister knows many of these things. Of course you are going to miss your daughter, but let them figure out their own schedule and routine. That doesn’t mean they can’t follow your guidelines.
Hope this helped!
Are you raising a child or a princess? I like the idea of you giving her a list of rules, but this is extremely demanding. You can’t expect someone to change all of their habits just to watch after your kid.
Wow.. Um, personally, I think these rules are way way way OTT..
But if thats how you want to raise your child/want her raised that way then thats your own choice. She’s your daughter and you know whats best for her.
But I would never have these sorts of rules in place when raising my children.
EDIT : Honey, F*** these haters!!!! You raise your kid the way you want! Follow your heart! (:
Woahhh!
Some of these rules are porposterous to me!
But it is your child…
The rules I completely hate are…
2 BUT ONLY BECAUSE THE ONE MOVIE! Two movies at least. If they are educational.. WHY NOT??
16. She’s a kid! Let her play with kid stuff! A tv is electric….
20 IS SHE ALLERGIC?? ARE YOU AMISH..?
21 WHAT?
The rest And I mean it I COMPLETELY LOVE!!!!
The rest are awesome.
But, you know just one question.
"WHY NO MAN MADE OBJECTS?"
Good luck.
i think that your supplying her with the clothes, so you should have to worry about fabrics.
whats a childhood without charecters like spongebob, dora ect ?
you should supply, shampoo, conditioner, bubble bath & everything so she doesnt have to worry about the ingrediants in them.
all kids have there little temper tantrums, im sure she’ll be fine with looking after her.
1 movie a week? thats a little harsh.
let the girl live a little
remember your friend is doing you a favour, just be greatful.
give her a few tips ect.
& your number,
and when she needs your help she’ll phone you
How old is your daughter? And if I were you, I would talk to your school. Most universities will make housing exceptions if the student has a good reason in my experience (and being a mom is definitely a good reason).
If this is how you choose to raise your daughter, that is your right and nobody’s business but your own. But you have an awful lot of complicated and very demanding rules, and quite frankly I agree with very few of them. You might want to be flexible with your friend if she disagrees with some (like you said it’s her house). And I hope you’re offering some money to her, because many of these will make it a pretty pricey childhood (10 and 11 come to mind).
i’d think you were a cuckoo bird. or a troll with an awful lot of time on her hands…
I’m not a parent and even if I were I don’t think I could handle this. You have place a lot of rules and many of them are strict and very pacific and some I’m not sure I would be able to do. Not to mention I would have to be constantly looking at the list because 1: I wouldn’t be able to memorize all of them and 2: I might end up breaking some of the rules without realizing. So in other words I don’t think I would be able to watch your child with all of this in place because it’s just too much for me.
I have to say the list is a bit interesting, but either way, she is your child. With that being said I think that these rules are easier said than done. In everyday child rearing it is nearly impossible to follow such a lengthy and specific set of guidelines. As a parent or caregiver sometimes you have to wing it and I think this set of guidelines is a bit unrealistic. I do appreciate your guidelines for nutrition, but think they too might be difficult and expensive to maintain, so depending on the situation you might need to send money for these specific accommodations. Either way it seems to me that you do care about your child a great deal, and I am not sure that separation is the best bet for you or your daughter. I have to agree with the others that requesting special living arrangements from your school.
A) If you speak to a counselor at your school, you can get a waiver on your living arrangements. Just keep asking, and if the first person you speak with cannot help you, speak to someone else. If you want to work this out, you will.
B) These rules are fine for you, but completely unrealistic to expect someone else to follow. If you’re leaving your child at someone else’s house, you can expect house rules to prevail. If you can’t handle the way your sister will look after her, then you need a different caregiver.
C) You chose motherhood and you chose this school. There are other schools. These are not necessary life circumstances; they are choices. You have a lot of growing up to do, and college is a great place to do it. I had friends with kids when I was in college. If they can figure it out, then you can too.
BTW, it’s not safe to ask someone to raise a vegan kid with no knowledge of vegan lifestyle. Vegans have to know how to combine foods and find alternative sources of protein. Is your child going to eat canned beans every night for a year? In my house, your child would be offered carrot sticks and hummus for most meals.
I’ve got too many issues with this to really say much other than some of your demands for someone else to raise your child are ridiculous, not all but a lot, but what gets me is are you going to be paying for these all natural soaps and fabrics and medical care? But the icing on the cake, you claim to be going to school for a year right? Do you not plan on seeing your child at all in that year first off, second off you aren’t wanting to take her back until you "marry or are in the proper position" well honey that could be 10 years why not just put her up for adoption? And if you do have your friend adopt her b/c that’s pretty much what she will be doing, don’t expect all these demands to be met, like however your friend treats her family dog is how she chooses, and if she doesn’t want to learn french, what are you going to do? Take your child to the dorm? What if she has kids and they get battery operated toys and your daughter becomes a, uhm, KID and wants to play with it and throws a tantrum till she can, then what, oh my god she became a child like every other. You want these demands met, you raise her and they will be, but reality check in the real world, they won’t be followed to the letter if your friend does. Sorry if they came off rude, but yea, ill just leave it at that and bite my tounge
Errrrrrmmmm… some of these rules make sense like the ones about medical decisions. But the speaking ghetto and gangsta stuff is kind of offensive.